Tuesday, October 8, 2013

To Farrukh (1)


我想起,你總是急急地問我,Noor,你到底要的是什麼你說,你不懂我。去年,你不懂,我執意要留在拉合爾教書的決心,甚至不惜假結婚,你當時是被我嚇到了,你說,你願意請假趕回去,圓我一夢,但你說,你不要假結婚,你在電話中問了我一句:Would you marry me?我回答不了,無法答應你。因為我覺得我已是遍體麟傷,我沒有力氣,也不想委身自己去另一個巴基斯坦大家庭裡了。我當時阻止了你這麼做。然而,沒有告訴你的是,在當時,我已經喜歡了你。在見過你家人之後,即使是第一次見面,他們豪不吝嗇地給我毫不保留的愛,我也喜歡了你媽媽還有你妹妹。這樣一份愛,讓我惶恐,自己還有資格,再接受你還有你家人的愛嗎?我怕,怕自己不夠完美,而你,你是你家中獨子。我怎麼能讓你媽媽,去接受這樣一個不完美的媳婦。你說,我何以知道,即便是你媽媽知道所有我過去的一切,就會距我遠之,但是我不能不為你想,我真的想過,成為你的妻子,那些你描繪過的美好畫面,你說,你要帶我去吃冰淇淋,你說,你要帶我去吃沙威瑪,帶我去看手鐲的巴札,帶我去看拉合爾好多地方。我想著自己,在經過他之後,是不是真的可以就此幸福,由你帶給我這樣的幸福,我真的不知道。但是,我不能那麼自私,如果我已經喜歡了你,就要去替你設想,所以一切婚後的可能性。萬一,我的過去讓你媽媽對這媳婦和你的決定,產生質疑和不滿,萬一,我的過去讓我不是那麼容易受孕,而你,是家中獨子,我怎麼能夠,讓你,還有你媽媽,所以家人,因我而承受這一切一切。

我對你說,給我點時間,讓我想想。你說好,因你從不想逼我。但是後來,我狠下心,我對你說,不要再打給我了,也不要再對我抱有任何期待。是我,親手把你推出了門外,當時,我感覺到你的心在淌血,因我也是。你問著我,可不可以,再跟我最後一次通話,我說好,記得是,電話中,你努力笑談風聲,就像你一貫擅長的,你總是用笑容面對一切,從不輕易讓人覺察你的內心世界。

後來,我嫁了他,事後才跟你說,你看著我奔波,至今尚未與他好好安頓下來,你問我,Noor,這就是你要的嗎?我也無法回答,你問我說當初不是想要留在拉合爾教書嗎?我只說,事與願違,既然結婚了,我就不會只想到自己,心理寄掛的,又是一大票人了。
很多人,也許還有我自己,都以為,愛情幾乎是我這幾年人生的全部了,我為愛情遠走高飛,捨下一切。傻嗎?也許真是傻吧!


本來出於好奇而展開追求,最終讓我看到的,不只是愛情,不只是世界,還有自己


【我的書,我與巴基斯坦,出走】


 

The Coming of the Ship


Almustafa, the chosen and the beloved, who was a dawn unto his own day, had waited twelve years in the city of Orphalese for his ship that was to return and bear him back to the isle of his birth. And in the twelfth year, on the seventh day of Ielool, the month of reaping, he climbed the hill without the city walls and looked seaward; and he beheld the ship coming with the mist. Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul. But he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart: How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city. Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache. It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
     
Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould. Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I? A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that give it wings. Alone must it seek the ether. And alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun. Now when he reached the foot of the hill, he turned again towards the sea, and he saw his ship approaching the harbour, and upon her prow the mariners, the men of his own land. And his soul cried out to them, and he said:

Sons of my ancient mother, you riders of the tides,
How often have you sailed in my dreams.
And now you come in my awakening, which is my deeper dream.
Ready am I to go, and my eagerness with sails full set awaits the wind.
Only another breath will I breathe in this still air,
Only another loving look cast backward,
Then I shall stand among you, a seafarer among seafarers.
And you, vast sea, sleepless mother,
Who alone are peace and freedom to the river and the stream,
Only another winding will this stream make, only another murmur in this glade,
And then shall I come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean.


And as he walked he saw from afar men and women leaving their fields and their vineyards and hastening towards the city gates. And he heard their voices calling his name, and shouting from the field to field telling one another of the coming of the ship. And he said to himself:

Shall the day of parting be the day of gathering?
And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?
And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?
Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?
And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?
Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?
A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?
If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unrembered seasons?
If this indeed be the hour in which I lift up my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.
Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern,
And the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.


These things he said in words. But much in his heart remained unsaid. For he himself could not speak his deeper secret. And when he entered into the city all the people came to meet him, and they were crying out to him as with one voice. And the elders of the city stood forth and said: Go not yet away from us. A noontide have you been in our twilight, and your youth has given us dreams to dream. No stranger are you among us, nor a guest, but our son and our dearly beloved. Suffer not yet our eyes to hunger for your face. And the priests and the priestesses said unto him: Let not the waves of the sea separate us now, and the years you have spent in our midst become a memory. You have walked among us a spirit, and your shadow has been a light upon our faces. Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled. Yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you. And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. And others came also and entreated him. But he answered them not. He only bent his head; and those who stood near saw his tears falling upon his breast. And he and the people proceeded towards the great square before the temple. And there came out of the sanctuary a woman whose name was Almitra. And she was a seeress.
     
And he looked upon her with exceeding tenderness, for it was she who had first sought and believed in him when he had been but a day in their city. And she hailed him, saying: Prophet of God, in quest for the uttermost, long have you searched the distances for your ship. And now your ship has come, and you must needs go. Deep is your longing for the land of your memories and the dwelling place of your greater desires; and our love would not bind you nor our needs hold you. Yet this we ask ere you leave us, that you speak to us and give us of your truth. And we will give it unto our children, and they unto their children, and it shall not perish. In your aloneness you have watched with our days, and in your wakefulness you have listened to the weeping and the laughter of our sleep. Now therefore disclose us to ourselves, and tell us all that has been shown you of that which is between birth and death.


And he answered, People of Orphalese, of what can I speak save of that which is even now moving your souls?